Rhema Worship & Praise - "Draw Me Nearer"

This is my birthday song to the Lord.....the one spoken about in my post 25 and counting........the line i quote comes about 2 mins in so good!

india.arie privateparty

This is the last song i quoted in my post 25 and counting.....the lyrics i quoted are also about 2 mins into the song lol enjoy!

25 and counting

Another year has come and is on its way out and I am one year older. After reading Amanda Martin's blog I was inspired to pen the sentiment of my 25th birthday. I jokingly coined this my 1/4 life crisis, which in all reality seems to be the truth. Crisis is a bit of a dramatic word but the best fit. I have noticed that this time of year for me typically brings tears. The past three birthdays I can recall very specifically have brought tears. Tears of longing, tears of hope. Longing for the day that all the things I feel brewing inside would have an outlet. Longing for the day of security and satisfaction. As I lay on my bed last night as the minutes approached the big day I found my self laying there feeling the weight of a heavy heart. The words left my lips as they came to my heart, "where is your chest that I may recline against you, your arms that I may fall into". There has been this repeating theme of longing and need. Two years ago my birthday landed on a sunday and I felt like the worship service was hand tailored for me to sing out to the Lord. My song that i love to sing to the Lord began to come from the lips of the worship leader....."My heart longs for your presence, my soul faints for your embrace, let your manifested glory, consume this heart of praise"

Its as if this time of year constantly calls me to cry out to deep. Unsatisfied with where I am, longing for better, richer, deeper......something....And this year is no different. I almost look forward to the tears that come, they are welcomed from afar.....they communicate the deep prayers of my soul. This year has brought such blessing and promise. I have experienced the Lord in amazing ways...from the God who cares enough to provide grapes to a son who secretly longs for them to my first official missions trip to praying for a persona and their health being restored shortly after the final amen. Yet this day still draws those precious tear drops. I am one who finds himself wanting to withdraw on that big day, wanting to spend time alone examining my heart and bearing my soul.

Single and 25.....this during most of the year is ok and even welcomed but there is always a longing on this day for a soul to share my heart with.....someone to find this day more important than me and take time to consider the things that would make this day especially special....a single hopeless romantic....this reality adds to the longing....

I am 25, single, unemployed, carless, and having a 1/4 crisis......lol this really is funny. So here is a funny story and revelation, I was sitting at Amelies in Charlotte enjoying book 3 of the Hunger games and saw one of THE most beautiful women I have ever had the chance to see up close and personal. I was across the room and could find no way to create an encounter, so I just peaked up from my book to catch a glance, our eyes seemed to meet each time and my eyes darted back to the pages.....lol it was funny to me...I am not that guy that would go up and begin a conversation with some simply because they were beautiful.....so I just sat there catching awkward glances....the funny revelation was that you know a woman is beautiful when you consider the fact that you may be too broke and confused about the future to speak to a woman that good looking lol.....I literally though dang my BOA account is looking mighty low and my good looking car is no more....bahahaha

At this age I assume everything seems bigger and more intense than it really is so best I can I receive what 25 has to offer. My hope is that all things will work out, an outlet will be made available to receive all that is hidden within, that love is on its way and the love I have available to me is the best love I can ever experience. The tears sown this birthday I call good, and look forward to the reaping to come. This post may seem sad but I call it beautiful and as this day comes to an end I feel hope rising.
I can hear India Arie singing in my ear "happy birthday to me happy birthday to me happy birthday" Happy birthday to me, I receive the thought that created me.....

Oh my soul...why so down cast

The things i hate, the things i run from they seem relentless.....wanting to consume.....i keep running and even in the restful places they come to torment. Why so down cast........motivation, vision, drive, have abandoned me.....during the night the old man guest stars in my dreams.....now awake and finding little escape......the things that are not....that i dont want....seem to be advancing to be.....profanity wants to be on my lips in the morning and not praise....seeds that were sown so long ago seem to still sprout shoots....no matter how much i weed they return to mock.......maybe i wouldn't be down cast if i did not respond....if the old wasn't so close to the new.....the wretch so close to the righteous.......when all you want is to do good but selfishness and lust seem to choke out that good one longs to do......why so down cast, i dont know....where is my victory....do i have to fight the same battles each day....it is for freedom sake that Christ has set me free.......but the yoke of slavery pursues me.....its shackles snap at my ankles.....tears are all i can offer.....i am broke....it sounds sexy on Sunday that it is our brokenness that qualifies us to be used....but by monday its fugly to consider......my brokenness not only display glory but can inflict pain..........Oh Emmanuel how i need you to wash my feet....i have no part with you until you do.....heres my heart Lord take and seal it.....seal it for thy courts above....you are my best thought by day or by night.....oh that my thoughts of you would increase.....oh that my thoughts of you would increase.....

procrastination.....is the Devil?.......

Subtle distractions
Overwhelming self awareness
Aimless wondering
Inner bantering
Mirror dialogue
Miscellaneous to-dos and to-finds
all the while fully aware of the most expedient thing
Who then can we blame for procrastination.......
the devil.....by no means!
We choose to procrastinate in light of pressing matters
seeing the finish line we choose to
stop
rest
play
explore
never finishing only fantasizing about an avoided reality
Time is stolen
Perspective lost
Health tried
Wealth wasted
Emotional security....plundered
It's greatest danger is that we choose distraction in light of the more pressing matters
No one has an excuse for this.......
It is like a snake moving trough tall grass
Unsuspecting
You there with a false sense of security........
Walking past the shed that houses the mower.....day after day.......
Captivated by the trees, the past, clouds, and relationships
Grass now to your knees and serpent to your chaff.......
Who is to blame.......
The devil that bit you.......
God for not warning you......
that nagging reminder that whispers cut the grass......
How long till we learn our lesson......
how long till we heed your counsel ......
Have mercy on me......a procrastinator

Being Present

It's amazing how present a person becomes when you begin to speak to them
The realities of not being alone and being present to someone can be quite different
Something so natural yet powerful happens when we acknowledge a person
Speaking to the one we would rather avoid
There is somewhat of a snapping back into reality that occurs
One crawls out of the inner place of dialog and suspicion of the unknown into the here and now
it is as if all the thoughts and perceptions conceived in that inner place become shallow and hollow at best
I was literally struck by the sense that I am not alone as I spoke with my roommate whom I had been avoiding and ignoring
A common sense that ought to never escape me especially since my roommate is visible
In that moment I became fully aware of his presence and mine
The reality of sharing a space became real again, it was no longer this divided room but our room
How insane it is to live alone when you have a roommate

To see you

How desperately I need to see you in the eyes of my brothers
Hear your voice in their's
feel your touch through them
the psalmist says "I would have fainted lest I experienced the goodness of the lord in the land of the living"
I say i would have fainted lest I experienced the goodness of the Lord through the touch of one just like me.
 Much hope is birthed from the touch of a fellow wretch A person aware of their unclean lips and the people they dwell among
 Receive the ministry of my body you say....for you can not receive me without my body...receiving my body is receiving me........
A wise man once said that through Christ's humanity the disciples had to see his divinity... may it be so amongst your people
through scars and open wounds, through blindness and lameness, may your divinity be seen
 help me to gaze into the eyes of your people and in that place peer into yours

As I conclude these song lyrics ring within:

"this mouth will taste
these lips will sing
of all our loss
to gain a king
this fellowship
forged in the flood
we eat your flesh
we drink your blood"

 I can hear more clearly now......"this is my body broken for you, take and eat........."

Where has all my drive gone.....

Where has all my drive gone?
Have you seen It? Someone has taken it!
Maybe I lost it?
Where has all my drive gone?
I feel undon, where has all my drive gone?
I am trapped here with out it
There is work to be done
 Dreams awaiting their coming to fruition
Where has all my drive gone?
Time is speeding by, my youth escaping with every exhale Dammit where has all my drive gone!
Was it I who chased you away?
 Were too many lustful nights spent giving you over to slumber and slothfulness have they consumed u? My drive! No. No!
You belong to me I hear you......my drive you are near....you sound faint....you sound distant......
What has happened to my drive.... You have been ravished, broken, and cast aside
How can u be salvaged, how can u be redeemed My drive.....my drive.....is mine no longer.....