Another year has come and is on its way out and I am one year older. After reading Amanda Martin's blog I was inspired to pen the sentiment of my 25th birthday. I jokingly coined this my 1/4 life crisis, which in all reality seems to be the truth. Crisis is a bit of a dramatic word but the best fit. I have noticed that this time of year for me typically brings tears. The past three birthdays I can recall very specifically have brought tears. Tears of longing, tears of hope. Longing for the day that all the things I feel brewing inside would have an outlet. Longing for the day of security and satisfaction. As I lay on my bed last night as the minutes approached the big day I found my self laying there feeling the weight of a heavy heart. The words left my lips as they came to my heart, "where is your chest that I may recline against you, your arms that I may fall into". There has been this repeating theme of longing and need. Two years ago my birthday landed on a sunday and I felt like the worship service was hand tailored for me to sing out to the Lord. My song that i love to sing to the Lord began to come from the lips of the worship leader....."My heart longs for your presence, my soul faints for your embrace, let your manifested glory, consume this heart of praise"
Its as if this time of year constantly calls me to cry out to deep. Unsatisfied with where I am, longing for better, richer, deeper......something....And this year is no different. I almost look forward to the tears that come, they are welcomed from afar.....they communicate the deep prayers of my soul. This year has brought such blessing and promise. I have experienced the Lord in amazing ways...from the God who cares enough to provide grapes to a son who secretly longs for them to my first official missions trip to praying for a persona and their health being restored shortly after the final amen. Yet this day still draws those precious tear drops. I am one who finds himself wanting to withdraw on that big day, wanting to spend time alone examining my heart and bearing my soul.
Single and 25.....this during most of the year is ok and even welcomed but there is always a longing on this day for a soul to share my heart with.....someone to find this day more important than me and take time to consider the things that would make this day especially special....a single hopeless romantic....this reality adds to the longing....
I am 25, single, unemployed, carless, and having a 1/4 crisis......lol this really is funny. So here is a funny story and revelation, I was sitting at Amelies in Charlotte enjoying book 3 of the Hunger games and saw one of THE most beautiful women I have ever had the chance to see up close and personal. I was across the room and could find no way to create an encounter, so I just peaked up from my book to catch a glance, our eyes seemed to meet each time and my eyes darted back to the pages.....lol it was funny to me...I am not that guy that would go up and begin a conversation with some simply because they were beautiful.....so I just sat there catching awkward glances....the funny revelation was that you know a woman is beautiful when you consider the fact that you may be too broke and confused about the future to speak to a woman that good looking lol.....I literally though dang my BOA account is looking mighty low and my good looking car is no more....bahahaha
At this age I assume everything seems bigger and more intense than it really is so best I can I receive what 25 has to offer. My hope is that all things will work out, an outlet will be made available to receive all that is hidden within, that love is on its way and the love I have available to me is the best love I can ever experience. The tears sown this birthday I call good, and look forward to the reaping to come. This post may seem sad but I call it beautiful and as this day comes to an end I feel hope rising.
I can hear India Arie singing in my ear "happy birthday to me happy birthday to me happy birthday" Happy birthday to me, I receive the thought that created me.....
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