No Plan B a Journey a Detour....a Divine Plan?

I left Charlotte North Carolina on September 12th 2014 to come to the Big Island, Hawaii, to live and work on a small farm. The arrangement was that in exchange for 10 hours of work a week my room and board would be covered, and any hours spent over that would be paid. I came to Hawaii to get away, to clear my head, to spend time in prayer, and to be refreshed by rest and the presence of God. My first two weeks were the exact opposite of what I came to do. I couldn't rest physically, communication with people was terrible, I didn't seem to fit, and didnt have the energy to try and make it work. I kept asking myself who fails at relaxing in Hawaii?!?!?!?!?! 

By nature I always try to make things work, stick it out,  make it over the rough side of a situation, but this was not a season for battle and striving, but one of rest. Thus I began to search for other places to go. I had four options, the first was to go and visit with a family who just moved to Oahu from Charlotte, the second, stay in hostels around the island and explore, third, stay at a really nice hotel ball out until I ran out of cash, then just go home. The fourth and final option, check out YWAM (Youth With A Mission at the University of the Nations) .  After much consideration I decided to give YWAM a shot. I knew that I did not have the cash for this, but felt that provoking in my spirit to try it anyway. I prayed that the doors would be closed if it wasn't God's will, and I wasn't expecting all that came next. 

A new wave of students had already arrived and had been on campus for about week when I decided to go and poke around. I had visited the website a dozen times and finally settled on doing a Fire and Fragrance  DTS (Discipleship Training School) if it was possible. Saturday before classes were to begin I decided to go and walk around campus to gather more information. All offices were closed so I decided to visit the classroom for that DTS. I spent time praying in the space, trying to discern if this was a place for me. As I read the things they had hanging on the walls, so much of it resonated within. I spent over an hour praying and reading and soaking in the goodness of what I felt. I prayed a blessing over the school and decided to finish my application. Students had already arrived, I missed orientation, I didnt have the money, and the list of things that ought to have disqualified me goes on.

The following Monday I met with Greg the Fire and Fragrance school leader and he invited me to sit in on the entire day of classes while they tried to see if it was possible for me to join. I was invited to come back on Tuesday after I finished up the application. In class the next day I found out that I was accepted, no money yet paid, but I was accepted.  I emptied out my accounts minus what I felt I needed for miscelanious things, and made a down payment. I had four weeks to pay off my tuition and I had no clue how that was going to happen. To add to this, a part of a YWAM DTS is outreach to another country which was a totally separate fee. One day while on break during class I was sipping a cup of tea and praying when I looked to my right and saw an arrow pointing in the direction of  the Shire. I laughed. As a Lord of the Rings fan and a christian this was super cheesy but I loved it. Then ever so softly I felt The Lord say, lets go there. I replied that I don't even know if it is an option for outreach but if it is I will go. I sat down in class after the break and the first thing out of the speakers mouth was "today we are announcing outreach locations!" I laughed and waited to see if I was crazy or if I actually heard from The Lord. The options were, NE India, Nepal, Cambodia,Amsterdam, South Africa, Japan, and you guessed it NEW ZEALAND! New Zealand is where the Shire is, its where Lord of the Rings was filmed, and its where I felt just moments ago The Lord invited me to go. 

All of this is well and good but I had no money for any of this. So I made a plan to sell my car, couch, and TV, which should be able to pay the 3,670.00 for tuition. I posted my car and couch and they didnt sell. Not even a ping on my car, couch didn't sell and I was still working on selling the TV and entertainment center. On Monday of the week of our finical deadline I was in worship and felt the grace to let it go. I do not know how to describe it, I received grace to let go of what was precious, valuable and all I really had of value. I began to give away things that I didnt even plan to sell, things that cost much less than cars, big scree TVs and couches. Then, I offered up the car, the TV, and the couch, and said to The Lord no plan B. My assets couldn't pay for everything anyway, so if this is what your inviting me into I'mah need for you to provide. To add to this I missed the announcement that a deposit for outreach fees were due that thursday, an additional 2,500.00!!!! I learned from pastors and frineds that when what you have isn't enough, then be generous to others with what you have and trust The Lord to meet alll of your needs. 

****Disclaimer this is often in times of transition and not for the purpose of testing The Lord or trying to get something for our own selfish desires. The Spirit beckons us into this type of surrender, this is not a testing of God 

The due date arrived with no miraculous provision to be seen. There were many other situations that encouraged me to believe The Lord was going to come through but zero evidence of it in real time. We gathered in class after our lecture time and my school leader began to write names on the board, mine at the top. He wrote out the names of all of the students who had an outstanding balance for tuition, mine by far the greatest, and said that he believed that the funds were in the room to provide for us all. I felt both exposed and humbled. Having your needs exposed is never fun, but it wasn't shaming. So Greg lead the class in a prayer to ask The Lord if and what should be given and to whom. After a few moments of silence people began to go up to him with their amount and the person that it was for. I bowed my head and simply prayed that God would lead this.  Before I knew it people were walking up to me, handing me checks and cash, some for unreal totals. Over the next 5 minutes I went from owing the school to having all my lecture fees paid off!!! This would have made for a great story but there was more! Within the next few minutes just about all of the funds were raised for the 2,500 dollar deposit, 2,302.00 to be exact. This was an awesome day to say the least and all I could do was weep.

As a charismatic Pentecostal christian I desire to see The Lord do miraculous things, like pull gold coins out of a fishes mouth or finding a large some of money in a loaf of bread, from the local bakery (a true story of a YWAMer here in Kona). I would much prefer The Lord tell me to go downtown look for someone in a red  yellow and green shirt with a blue hat and say this or that and they will give you what you need. Or better yet for things just to appear in some spontaneous miraculous way. These are all things I beleive The Lord has, can, and still does but I often prefer them over the help of those around me. Having our needs and lack exposed before God is one thing, but to have it exposed before a crowd of people you are still just beginning to know is another. Being served by the body of Christ is humbling, especially when they are missionaries and they have raised support, worked really hard, and give their lives to help others. Its like Jesus washing the feet of his disciples. It would have been easier and less humiliating if He would have just pronounced that they were clean and had a part with him rather than getting on the ground and actually washing their feet. Jesus performed many miracles in their presence, and even through them but who would have thought that it was in the washing of their feet that Jesus would say; that without you receiving this service from me, you can have no part with me. 

Seeing the miraculous doesn't humble like receiving the service of God. With all power, with all authority, God humbled himself to wash the feet of his disciples before they could embark on the journey that was approaching. I see this at work in this season of my life, my feet were washed in the generosity of my peers and leaders and I now have a part with them, as we journey with The Lord. 

That Place

In that place where prayer becomes song and song becomes prayer

 Yes yes sing your prayers in that place

 Where longing and worship meet

  The old things of liturgy and meditation are reborn in present wealth and beauty

That place that often times finds you....

Arresting you at the kitchen sink or while scrubbing floors

Where broken glass meets salted wounds 

This heart skips a beat as breath doth speak

 A sorrowful hallelujah

 Praying in and out of key as the spirit ministers to me.......

Oh a choir of weeping

 A solo of wailing

 This is the place where bondage meets death and freedom is set free....

Finding the place where creativity prepares the way 

 Clarity meets wisdom 

Which births purpose that prays a hallelujah in a minor key 

The walls of Jericho  pass away

And there you stand 

In That Place once again

Mystic & Theologian

As I carried two bags of trash to the dumpster I saw a girl sweeping and these are the thoughts that came to me. 

She reminded me of a barista friend who had recently moved to Boston on a full scholarship to Harvard University to study theology. Kelsey is her name, and she is an awesome person whom I admire. She is a thinker and has a relationship with Christ that is very different than my own. I began to think of the sad divorce between the mystic and the theologian. This is a small picture of a greater divorce but is  the frame work of this thought. I wondered, what would it look like for the theologian and the mystic to be in community together? For the mystic to trust the theologian and the theologian to trust the mystic, so much so that they could lend to one another. How I long for such union and communion, when the mystic is not trying to convert the theologian, and the theologian is not trying to indoctrinate the mystic. The two live in harmony with one another, they get lost in the gifts and beauty of the other, and the result of this over time is a beautiful union where neither is exalted  above the other, instead, there is only one that remains. That one is both, and the glory of the two becoming one is far surpassing than that of the individuals.

God, through the spirit, seeks to abide in us and us in him in such a way that it cause a beautiful union. God freely gives to us, and we freely give to him. God boosts in us and we boost in God, he cares for the small, seemingly insignificant things in our lives, and we care for intricate seemingly insignificant beauty that he creates. This is an abiding union that teaches us truth in the inner most parts and causes us to have true fellowship with God. Such a fellowship is not one of constant bliss and exuberance, but it is one of truth and honesty, challenge and perseverance. Its a union where I can be a hot mess and totally undone, yet am met with patient pursuit and covering. A fellowship that allows me to see into the undone heart of God and be overwhelmed with beauty, compassion, sorrow, holy anger, endless grace and mercy.

In these two unions between mystic and theologian, man and God there is a fulness that we began to step into. Now this I see as only the beginning and a portion of what it takes to have fellowship with God. We must also make room for the stranger, the poor, the wealthy, the broken, the prideful, our enemies, and our neighbors. The only way that our hearts can expand to actually take all these in, and give them space within, is to allow the father to abide in us and us in the Father. Paul is such a great example of this. A theologian of theologians, a zealous man and a persecutor of the church. He was encountered by a blinding light and heard a mysterious voice. His sight was lost, his mission ended, and God began to reveal his love and pursuit of his soul. Once Paul regained his sight, received the true spirit of God and dwelt therein, his life became one that will forever be remembered. A small and hardenned heart grew to love and care for not only his nation but all that nations of the world. His love for Israel grew beyond her boards and into all the Earth, simply because the one who created all things began to move into the depths of his soul.

Walking with God and befriending him feels impossible and far beyond my capacity, yet it is the life and journey by which I find myself. Pursuing the impossible, with the infinite one. May this be my life, may this be my love. 

Little Bryan

Giving voice to the scared little boy

That we may know the voice of the boy inside, that we make him herd, pray his prayers, and allow he Father to guard his heart.

Wanting my cries to be heard, though my lips are closed, wanting to be seen and yet hiding. Wanting my needs to be met, but uncertain of what they are. Everyone must learn that their woes are important and herd. Somewhere along the way as a child I believed that I wasn't seen or heard, and if I was, it wasn't important enough to do something about it. I have a term that I say often,"they'll be alright" and in some ways I believe that's a good and true statement, but in other ways its a cold and unloving.  Its a statement that pushes people away to figure it out on their own, its one birthed out of my own loneliness and abandonment issues. This isnt ok, neither for myself or those who I say it to in the spirit of selfishness and laziness. Thus how can this adult be changed?  How can that little boy be healed, and how can that healing transcend time and space and redeem this adult's heart?

I believe that I must first give voice to the scared little boy and silence the bitter "grown ass man", so that his waters, (words and actions) may become good for consumption. Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person. Colossians 4:6. This giving voice, this healing is for a great exchange; bitter lifeless water for living water.  Its important for me to admit that the scared little boy still walks with me, still cries out, still is in need, and I must not ignore him, but rather be about his healing.  The places within where he walks and cries remains cold with his tears, dark with his fears, and isolated from love. When ego and pride are laid aside for this young boy to speak, true strength is gained. The warmth of light enters the room, the presence of love drives out fear, and little Bryan regains his voice. He begins to speak, to sing, and to dance. His healing and freedom is what births my present maturity, wisdom, capacity to love, and be loved.

May we all give voice to the children that still reside within and with rejoicing enter into His glorious Kingdom. 

Sick with Words

     I've become sick with words unspoken. My stomach has soured and my heart polluted. Going along to get along is a maddening thing, for it steals, kills and destroys the soul over time.  Do I believe that one should go against the grain just because, or share every thought and feeling that comes to mind, of course not! Its those ever playing scripts that are rehearse as they run through the mind that need to be given voice. Exposing suspicions, by allowing the reality of our hearts to be laid bare is the only way to release those sour and polluted waters that embitter our souls. Whether thoughts and feelings are correct or incorrect, justified or unjustified, they must be exposed for the sake of growth and correction, affirmation and maturity. As I write these words I am reminded of something that the Apostle Paul told his disciple Timothy; " for God did not give us a spirit of fear, but one of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." A sound mind is the phrase that grips me. Being sick with words undermines the soundness of our minds.

       Sound, in the original greek language is hygiēs, an adjective which means to make one whole, i.e. restore him to health. Its root word is auxanō, a verb, which means to cause to grow, augment, to increase, become greater, or to grow. We were not given a spirit that causes us to fear but a spirit that causes us to grown, to become sound in our minds, and whole in our being. It is for growth and maturity that we were given the spirit, so release those things that are hindering, expose your wisdom and brokenness, and allow the spirit through whichever means God chooses, to teach us and make us sound.


****Application:

While writing this I made a short list of people that I needed to have conversations with and reasoned not to post until I began to have those conversations. Two out of four conversations have been had; one didn't go so well, the other was healing and emotional. Of the last two conversations that I have not had one is an encouraging word to an old employer, the other a tough conversation with a friend. I share this to say, no matter how well sharing the script you have been rehearsing to yourself goes, its not the point. Sharing them is the point. Its an offering, its a workable substance that can be made into something that I believe will ultimately benefit us. If things are mended, encouragements shared, or paths diverge and relationships severed, the point is this; you have made room within to grow, and a deeper level of soundness added to the mind.

May soundness of mind be added to you, through faithful action and by the gracious spirit.

Peace and Blessings

I give up!

I surrender.

I give up. I surrender, I quit, Im done.

This is how I feel. I can't seem to get a hold of whats going on inside, I cant untangle it all. Im done. These are words that do not appear fitting for a believer, and to me are also scary. I am afraid of giving up, of calling it quits but I am beginning to realize that if I don't learn how to, it will cost me a great deal. In this place I find it difficult to play nice and go along to get along, it all is so exhausting. I don't have the energy to lift the mask, or conjure up the words to appease others just for the sake of it. I don't have much to say, my heart is sad, and my mind is a maze in which I cant seem to escape.

It is said that out of the over flow of the heart the mouth speaks; well what happens when the heart is yet over flowing and the mouth remains shut? In some ways, maybe thats discipline, but in this context I feel it is foolishness. The heart begins to ache under the pressure, the waters begin to sour, and the soul cracks. If a person speaks out of the overflow of whats actually in their heart, good or bad the person hearing it has something real to work with. Who can work with a heart without substance? Truth is substance, honesty and reality are substance, and when that is allowed to flow it is a workable material.

When Jesus tells the parable about the different types of soil, and the effect a seed has with that environment, it is a beautiful example of honesty and truth. The soil does not lie, it bares faithful witness to its substance and it must be allowed to do so....

“A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. Whoever has ears, let them hear.” (‭Matthew‬ ‭13‬:‭3-9‬ NIV)

I do not read this parable as one who thinks that every time seed was scattered abroad upon my heart, that I responded rightly or that it took root as it was intended. That is not how I received the good news initially. Now that I have walked with The Lord for a few years I can look back and see times when good seed was scattered on my heart but it did not take root. As disciples of Christ and co-laborers within his kingdom, when we see good seed that has not taken root in the hearts of a people, it is a testimony to us of what is and of what needs to be done. Thorns bushes can be ripped out, rocks can be dug up, soil can be tilled, and shade can be provided. I can not read this parable without considering the ways inwhich The Lord has handled the terrane of my heart and soul. His patience and steadfastness is what is changing the terror of my heart.

I think this parable is a challenge to those who labour in the garden of the kingdom, and who care for the people of the earth. This parable beckons us to see where there is thorny, rocky, and sun scorched soil, and it calls us to ask The Lord for wisdom, and the tools to change landscapes! We walk with the God who turns hearts of stone into that of flesh. Stone to flesh. Stone to flesh! Could he change stone to soil? Thorns to fertilizer? Are these things possible for the God who told this parable and who made the promise of transforming stony hearts? My life testifies yes! My heart says yes, my spirit says yes!

Truth in the inmost parts is what David said The Lord wants to teach us, truth in the inmost parts. We must let him in, and allow him to teach us. Our hearts must faithfully testify to its condition, and we pray that The Lord would not leave us as we are. I believe that we serve a God who will work on redeeming the landscapes of our hearts, those that have been over run with thorn bushes, rocks, and seed that have been eaten by birds. So all that to say that I am in Hawaii, this beautiful land and I find myself sad. There is much that is bumbling up from my heart, ways in which I have not mourned,disappointments  galore, and the silence that has embittered parts of my heart. I must allow these things reach to the surface and see the light of day, to be seen by the Gardener and handled accordingly. This is my surrender. I can not manage the landscape of my own heart, I can only allow it to give a faithful witness of it's current state.

 The landscape of Hawaii was baffling to me at first. I had never seen such a lush and green place grow out of such rocky soil. I am living and working on a farm in South Kona Hawaii and to see how tress can grow so large and bare so much fruit in soil that is so rocky is amazing. The seed found a way to grow in this soil, roots weave around the rocks and find the nutrients it needs. This, I see as a miracle, one that has informed my prayers. These plants are made to survive here, they flourish here, in rocky soil. Instead of removing the rocks, a way was made for this to be a fertile land, where trees and vegetation can thrive and produce much fruit. What a wonder! How much more can be done with a heart in the hands of God?

May we let our hearts testify to their true state, and allow the Good Gardener to come in and do what he does best, redeem, cultivate, and create beautiful out of the dust. May we not loose hope, but rather remember the place from where we begun.  

To Us

Today has been an interesting day. So many things unfolding and yet so many things remain hidden. Today was a typical sunday for me, I arrived at church bright and early to serve as my pastor's aide. I performed my duties, got the mic, spent time in prayer as my pastor finished preparing, prayed with him and for our congregation and then walked into service. I was not prepared for what was coming, and I am glad for that. Pastor J seemed a bit heavy but there was anticipation in the air. I heard a message that is often under preached and that is a message of death. As Christians we often feel that we simply, as pastor J put it, pray the right prayer, receive Christ and  in so doing die to ourselves and live a new life in Christ, and he rightly stated that this is only partially true at best.

One of my favorite scriptures is John 12:24 unless a seed falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed, but if it dies it produces a plentiful harvest (and also other seeds) my paraphrasing. I have loved this scriptures because of a dream that the Lord gave me that allowed me to see the beauty and benefit of a seed's death and I was the beneficiary of that inheritance. Though that is such a beautiful revelation and a great scripture what is most terrifying about it is that we are invited, beckoned, baptized into, and called to the life of a seed as a follower of Christ. We are called to die, we are called to abandon our lives, abandon our ego, abandon our reputation, come off the walls of our lives and stop guarding it. As I sit here post Sunday service surveying my life and the lives of those around me I am deeply troubled by how many of us seem to be walking towards death. So many are struggling against the wind and the waves, so many are gasping for air, so many are experiences literal deaths, so many are being faced with the reality of laying down what seems right and sensible for the insanity of the wilderness and the cross; all the while trying to hold on to faith and trust that says that we go into the wilderness to be wooed by God. We walk into death to experience and see resurrection life. I wish I was more excited by this all, but maybe I am more like the rich young ruler than I would like to believe. As I count the costs it feels great, the outcome uncertain, and I feel afraid.

When will it happen, what does death look like,  will it be quick or slow and painful? I pray that it is quick but honestly it seems to be a slow work which makes things so much more terrifying. I see leaders, friends, people I look up to, strangers (in the faith) all loosing their lives and I honestly feel a bit discouraged. I think to myself if these, who seem to me to have already given so much, died in so many ways still have to walk into more death, then what in the name of Christ am I to expect for my life? There are so many ways to die, both naturally, emotionally,  mentally, spiritually and in every way that makes us alive. The death of ego, pride, the instinct of self preservation, our understanding, our wisdom, our individuality, our independence, our security, our control, all if we submit it to Christ will die. Death is never the end, and it does not have the final word, but it does have a word, it may have a couple damn chapters, but never the final word. Sometimes what is worse than death is knowing that death is approaching. Waiting for it to come, or staring at it as it creeps closer and closer, this, this is how it feels right now. There is a relief to this and that is a willing surrender, now what that looks like ta hell if I know. I can not figure it out, I want to just allow it to "happen" but I am not sure what the Lord is up to, I don't even know whats going on within me.  Woe to me because I, like many others, want to medicate, I want to ease the pain, I want answers and I want to know why now, why death, what are you doing potter, what are you making me into?

I have no answers for myself or those around me, but this one thing brings comfort; I am not alone. God has not abandoned me to death! There are many in the same boat and I simply pray that we all make it, and that none will loose heart, that none would give up, that none would give in, and that we all would experience and know resurrection life, not in theory but in perpetual experience. We are called to be ministers, witnesses of the power of God, and that power that is at work within us is the power that raised Christ from the dead, literally. I have been praying to know the Holy Spirit as power and I wonder if that prayer is being answered with death and resurrection. I want to be a minister not only of words but also as a vessel that can be poured out and demonstrate the power of God for those who are dying, hurting, walking in darkness or have no sight of Christ.  Today we sang about the mightiness of God, and though I have seen the Lord heal, and soften harden hearts and other various things that are beautiful and miraculous, I could not help but feel that I still do not know the great might of our God, and that I can not accept. I want to know God as he is, in the ways I am familiar with and in the ways that make me afraid due to the vastness and immensity of who he is in the world and in me. What a mystery, and I pray that I can live in and with that mystery.

Father I pray that you anoint those whose time of death is nigh. That we can, even in tears and messy prayers get to the place where we submit to your will and not our own. Thank you that you do not force death upon us but that you invite us to lay down our lives and follow you, even into death and resurrection. I have no bloody clue how all this works and I wish that I was without fear but fear is present. Can you make me something to eat, can you prepare me for what is to come, and if possible allow there to be rest also in this season. Allow us all to rest in you, in death, and when the morning comes, may we rise in strength and power, with visions and dreams, carrying within us your abiding presence and word, because nothing less will do. I know that I do not know what I am asking for but give me what I can handle, give us what we can bear, and raise us up again unbound and full of new life. Amen and Amen.