I give up!

I surrender.

I give up. I surrender, I quit, Im done.

This is how I feel. I can't seem to get a hold of whats going on inside, I cant untangle it all. Im done. These are words that do not appear fitting for a believer, and to me are also scary. I am afraid of giving up, of calling it quits but I am beginning to realize that if I don't learn how to, it will cost me a great deal. In this place I find it difficult to play nice and go along to get along, it all is so exhausting. I don't have the energy to lift the mask, or conjure up the words to appease others just for the sake of it. I don't have much to say, my heart is sad, and my mind is a maze in which I cant seem to escape.

It is said that out of the over flow of the heart the mouth speaks; well what happens when the heart is yet over flowing and the mouth remains shut? In some ways, maybe thats discipline, but in this context I feel it is foolishness. The heart begins to ache under the pressure, the waters begin to sour, and the soul cracks. If a person speaks out of the overflow of whats actually in their heart, good or bad the person hearing it has something real to work with. Who can work with a heart without substance? Truth is substance, honesty and reality are substance, and when that is allowed to flow it is a workable material.

When Jesus tells the parable about the different types of soil, and the effect a seed has with that environment, it is a beautiful example of honesty and truth. The soil does not lie, it bares faithful witness to its substance and it must be allowed to do so....

“A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. Whoever has ears, let them hear.” (‭Matthew‬ ‭13‬:‭3-9‬ NIV)

I do not read this parable as one who thinks that every time seed was scattered abroad upon my heart, that I responded rightly or that it took root as it was intended. That is not how I received the good news initially. Now that I have walked with The Lord for a few years I can look back and see times when good seed was scattered on my heart but it did not take root. As disciples of Christ and co-laborers within his kingdom, when we see good seed that has not taken root in the hearts of a people, it is a testimony to us of what is and of what needs to be done. Thorns bushes can be ripped out, rocks can be dug up, soil can be tilled, and shade can be provided. I can not read this parable without considering the ways inwhich The Lord has handled the terrane of my heart and soul. His patience and steadfastness is what is changing the terror of my heart.

I think this parable is a challenge to those who labour in the garden of the kingdom, and who care for the people of the earth. This parable beckons us to see where there is thorny, rocky, and sun scorched soil, and it calls us to ask The Lord for wisdom, and the tools to change landscapes! We walk with the God who turns hearts of stone into that of flesh. Stone to flesh. Stone to flesh! Could he change stone to soil? Thorns to fertilizer? Are these things possible for the God who told this parable and who made the promise of transforming stony hearts? My life testifies yes! My heart says yes, my spirit says yes!

Truth in the inmost parts is what David said The Lord wants to teach us, truth in the inmost parts. We must let him in, and allow him to teach us. Our hearts must faithfully testify to its condition, and we pray that The Lord would not leave us as we are. I believe that we serve a God who will work on redeeming the landscapes of our hearts, those that have been over run with thorn bushes, rocks, and seed that have been eaten by birds. So all that to say that I am in Hawaii, this beautiful land and I find myself sad. There is much that is bumbling up from my heart, ways in which I have not mourned,disappointments  galore, and the silence that has embittered parts of my heart. I must allow these things reach to the surface and see the light of day, to be seen by the Gardener and handled accordingly. This is my surrender. I can not manage the landscape of my own heart, I can only allow it to give a faithful witness of it's current state.

 The landscape of Hawaii was baffling to me at first. I had never seen such a lush and green place grow out of such rocky soil. I am living and working on a farm in South Kona Hawaii and to see how tress can grow so large and bare so much fruit in soil that is so rocky is amazing. The seed found a way to grow in this soil, roots weave around the rocks and find the nutrients it needs. This, I see as a miracle, one that has informed my prayers. These plants are made to survive here, they flourish here, in rocky soil. Instead of removing the rocks, a way was made for this to be a fertile land, where trees and vegetation can thrive and produce much fruit. What a wonder! How much more can be done with a heart in the hands of God?

May we let our hearts testify to their true state, and allow the Good Gardener to come in and do what he does best, redeem, cultivate, and create beautiful out of the dust. May we not loose hope, but rather remember the place from where we begun.