Today has been an interesting day. So many things unfolding and yet so many things remain hidden. Today was a typical sunday for me, I arrived at church bright and early to serve as my pastor's aide. I performed my duties, got the mic, spent time in prayer as my pastor finished preparing, prayed with him and for our congregation and then walked into service. I was not prepared for what was coming, and I am glad for that. Pastor J seemed a bit heavy but there was anticipation in the air. I heard a message that is often under preached and that is a message of death. As Christians we often feel that we simply, as pastor J put it, pray the right prayer, receive Christ and in so doing die to ourselves and live a new life in Christ, and he rightly stated that this is only partially true at best.
One of my favorite scriptures is John 12:24 unless a seed falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed, but if it dies it produces a plentiful harvest (and also other seeds) my paraphrasing. I have loved this scriptures because of a dream that the Lord gave me that allowed me to see the beauty and benefit of a seed's death and I was the beneficiary of that inheritance. Though that is such a beautiful revelation and a great scripture what is most terrifying about it is that we are invited, beckoned, baptized into, and called to the life of a seed as a follower of Christ. We are called to die, we are called to abandon our lives, abandon our ego, abandon our reputation, come off the walls of our lives and stop guarding it. As I sit here post Sunday service surveying my life and the lives of those around me I am deeply troubled by how many of us seem to be walking towards death. So many are struggling against the wind and the waves, so many are gasping for air, so many are experiences literal deaths, so many are being faced with the reality of laying down what seems right and sensible for the insanity of the wilderness and the cross; all the while trying to hold on to faith and trust that says that we go into the wilderness to be wooed by God. We walk into death to experience and see resurrection life. I wish I was more excited by this all, but maybe I am more like the rich young ruler than I would like to believe. As I count the costs it feels great, the outcome uncertain, and I feel afraid.
When will it happen, what does death look like, will it be quick or slow and painful? I pray that it is quick but honestly it seems to be a slow work which makes things so much more terrifying. I see leaders, friends, people I look up to, strangers (in the faith) all loosing their lives and I honestly feel a bit discouraged. I think to myself if these, who seem to me to have already given so much, died in so many ways still have to walk into more death, then what in the name of Christ am I to expect for my life? There are so many ways to die, both naturally, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and in every way that makes us alive. The death of ego, pride, the instinct of self preservation, our understanding, our wisdom, our individuality, our independence, our security, our control, all if we submit it to Christ will die. Death is never the end, and it does not have the final word, but it does have a word, it may have a couple damn chapters, but never the final word. Sometimes what is worse than death is knowing that death is approaching. Waiting for it to come, or staring at it as it creeps closer and closer, this, this is how it feels right now. There is a relief to this and that is a willing surrender, now what that looks like ta hell if I know. I can not figure it out, I want to just allow it to "happen" but I am not sure what the Lord is up to, I don't even know whats going on within me. Woe to me because I, like many others, want to medicate, I want to ease the pain, I want answers and I want to know why now, why death, what are you doing potter, what are you making me into?
I have no answers for myself or those around me, but this one thing brings comfort; I am not alone. God has not abandoned me to death! There are many in the same boat and I simply pray that we all make it, and that none will loose heart, that none would give up, that none would give in, and that we all would experience and know resurrection life, not in theory but in perpetual experience. We are called to be ministers, witnesses of the power of God, and that power that is at work within us is the power that raised Christ from the dead, literally. I have been praying to know the Holy Spirit as power and I wonder if that prayer is being answered with death and resurrection. I want to be a minister not only of words but also as a vessel that can be poured out and demonstrate the power of God for those who are dying, hurting, walking in darkness or have no sight of Christ. Today we sang about the mightiness of God, and though I have seen the Lord heal, and soften harden hearts and other various things that are beautiful and miraculous, I could not help but feel that I still do not know the great might of our God, and that I can not accept. I want to know God as he is, in the ways I am familiar with and in the ways that make me afraid due to the vastness and immensity of who he is in the world and in me. What a mystery, and I pray that I can live in and with that mystery.
Father I pray that you anoint those whose time of death is nigh. That we can, even in tears and messy prayers get to the place where we submit to your will and not our own. Thank you that you do not force death upon us but that you invite us to lay down our lives and follow you, even into death and resurrection. I have no bloody clue how all this works and I wish that I was without fear but fear is present. Can you make me something to eat, can you prepare me for what is to come, and if possible allow there to be rest also in this season. Allow us all to rest in you, in death, and when the morning comes, may we rise in strength and power, with visions and dreams, carrying within us your abiding presence and word, because nothing less will do. I know that I do not know what I am asking for but give me what I can handle, give us what we can bear, and raise us up again unbound and full of new life. Amen and Amen.
One of my favorite scriptures is John 12:24 unless a seed falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed, but if it dies it produces a plentiful harvest (and also other seeds) my paraphrasing. I have loved this scriptures because of a dream that the Lord gave me that allowed me to see the beauty and benefit of a seed's death and I was the beneficiary of that inheritance. Though that is such a beautiful revelation and a great scripture what is most terrifying about it is that we are invited, beckoned, baptized into, and called to the life of a seed as a follower of Christ. We are called to die, we are called to abandon our lives, abandon our ego, abandon our reputation, come off the walls of our lives and stop guarding it. As I sit here post Sunday service surveying my life and the lives of those around me I am deeply troubled by how many of us seem to be walking towards death. So many are struggling against the wind and the waves, so many are gasping for air, so many are experiences literal deaths, so many are being faced with the reality of laying down what seems right and sensible for the insanity of the wilderness and the cross; all the while trying to hold on to faith and trust that says that we go into the wilderness to be wooed by God. We walk into death to experience and see resurrection life. I wish I was more excited by this all, but maybe I am more like the rich young ruler than I would like to believe. As I count the costs it feels great, the outcome uncertain, and I feel afraid.
When will it happen, what does death look like, will it be quick or slow and painful? I pray that it is quick but honestly it seems to be a slow work which makes things so much more terrifying. I see leaders, friends, people I look up to, strangers (in the faith) all loosing their lives and I honestly feel a bit discouraged. I think to myself if these, who seem to me to have already given so much, died in so many ways still have to walk into more death, then what in the name of Christ am I to expect for my life? There are so many ways to die, both naturally, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and in every way that makes us alive. The death of ego, pride, the instinct of self preservation, our understanding, our wisdom, our individuality, our independence, our security, our control, all if we submit it to Christ will die. Death is never the end, and it does not have the final word, but it does have a word, it may have a couple damn chapters, but never the final word. Sometimes what is worse than death is knowing that death is approaching. Waiting for it to come, or staring at it as it creeps closer and closer, this, this is how it feels right now. There is a relief to this and that is a willing surrender, now what that looks like ta hell if I know. I can not figure it out, I want to just allow it to "happen" but I am not sure what the Lord is up to, I don't even know whats going on within me. Woe to me because I, like many others, want to medicate, I want to ease the pain, I want answers and I want to know why now, why death, what are you doing potter, what are you making me into?
I have no answers for myself or those around me, but this one thing brings comfort; I am not alone. God has not abandoned me to death! There are many in the same boat and I simply pray that we all make it, and that none will loose heart, that none would give up, that none would give in, and that we all would experience and know resurrection life, not in theory but in perpetual experience. We are called to be ministers, witnesses of the power of God, and that power that is at work within us is the power that raised Christ from the dead, literally. I have been praying to know the Holy Spirit as power and I wonder if that prayer is being answered with death and resurrection. I want to be a minister not only of words but also as a vessel that can be poured out and demonstrate the power of God for those who are dying, hurting, walking in darkness or have no sight of Christ. Today we sang about the mightiness of God, and though I have seen the Lord heal, and soften harden hearts and other various things that are beautiful and miraculous, I could not help but feel that I still do not know the great might of our God, and that I can not accept. I want to know God as he is, in the ways I am familiar with and in the ways that make me afraid due to the vastness and immensity of who he is in the world and in me. What a mystery, and I pray that I can live in and with that mystery.
Father I pray that you anoint those whose time of death is nigh. That we can, even in tears and messy prayers get to the place where we submit to your will and not our own. Thank you that you do not force death upon us but that you invite us to lay down our lives and follow you, even into death and resurrection. I have no bloody clue how all this works and I wish that I was without fear but fear is present. Can you make me something to eat, can you prepare me for what is to come, and if possible allow there to be rest also in this season. Allow us all to rest in you, in death, and when the morning comes, may we rise in strength and power, with visions and dreams, carrying within us your abiding presence and word, because nothing less will do. I know that I do not know what I am asking for but give me what I can handle, give us what we can bear, and raise us up again unbound and full of new life. Amen and Amen.
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